July 24, 2001

A big stack of dishes takes time to do
so I take the time to do it.
And building a garden or raising a child
is a labor of love that never ends
so I give ample room in my life
to the living heart of me.
The familiar we accommodate
as we go about planning our lives.
But how many are prepared
to make room for a grief
like the untimely loss of a love?
And how long does it take
and what space do we make
after sharing a lifetime to leave it?
Every part of your day affected,
from the way you wake to going to bed,
when you love someone they are part of you,
your every movement linked so deep you don’t think it.
It just is, like they are, and surely will always be.
But people go
in untimely and tragic ways,
leaving us to grieve
a loss so large most cannot conceive it.
And yet, there it is,
and here we are,
gathering days in bunches like bouquets
as we sit in stunned silence,
numb to ourselves and to each other,
numb to the dishes and the garden.
Unable to move and barely to breathe,
this grieving is work like digging ditches
and it takes all my strength just to sit.
I don’t understand this, I'm still new,
but it’s pretty clear that one year or two
will not get me through.
And I have a feeling that this loss is living,
like a garden that needs my attention,
and the space I must make to live with death
will require a daily commitment.
Don’t fear you may remind me causing more pain,
there is no moment I forget.
In fact, the opposite is true.
If you can join me in my garden, grieving,
together we may find a healing.

Copyright© 2001-2003 Kristen Spexarth