March 10, 2001

Twenty-three years
and eons ago,
I rested in delusion
thinking some escape suffering.
I would sit,
not in judgment
and with good intentions,
separate,
making sure there was
comfortable distance
between myself
and other.
Primordial fear
seeping through
kind smiles,
touching trouble
might infect,
contagion wildfire spreading.
I kept myself
aloof from hard
dis-ease of any kind
hoping to be spared
a life of pain.
Relaxing into soft,
clothed and fed,
housed happily
partnered, childful
and prideful,
looking back over my shoulder
seeming grace full
and grateful to be
not you,
I pictured the other shoe
dropping elsewhere

Even told my friend,
trauma toppled,
“Won’t let you go down,”
word salve to ease
our discomfort
I hoped would be enough.

Deep down I knew better.
Saw cracks in dreaming
crumble foundation
build blind.
Eventually,
lifetimes later,
I embraced the hard
lessons to be learned,
awareness dawning,
grace realized.
Saw as I drew you closer,
resemblance.
Now this,
my son’s suicide,
life’s pain
personified,
gift of awakening,
has finally closed the gap.
Me and you
now one,
all fear has fled.
I sit merged
in new awareness,
seeing others pass,
looking over
their shoulders at me.